"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a Butterfly!"

Sep 28 2008

Our summer flew by so fast; I can not believe it is already Fall! I still have those moments when I feel like this is all a bad dream, and I am trapped in a cocoon trying to get out to spread my wings and fly; however, for the most part I see myself as a beautiful woman whom simply is unable to walk. I see myself as a number one mom to my girls and wife to Mike. I have an amazing family and wonderful friends and I know one day I will have an amazing career!  I remember when I was in rehab; I lived there for 3 months and it was a place where I felt most comfortable after my shooting. It was a place where I could laugh and cry and be that happy, silly, and goofy spirited girl I have always been. Part of their therapy was field trips; behind this idea was to introduce their patients back into the real world. One of my first trips was to an ice cream shop; at that time I had very little control of my hands and was in a power chair. As we approached the store, I found the area packed with people. I froze in place. The store was not very big and I knew people would have to move out of the way for me to even get in it.  I kept thinking I was not ready to be out in public; I was not ready to face strangers in my chair. I felt out of place and indifferent to the world; I missed the old me. Emotions of shame and embarrassment flooded through me. I noticed that there were double glass doors in the entrance; yet, one of them was shut and would not open.  I knew my chair would not fit inside with only one door open; I stopped and whispered to mike to go in the store while I waited outside. This gave me an excuse to not go in and face my fears. I remember having Mike by my side coaxing me to go into the store; telling me everything would be fine. I was so embarrassed and no matter how hard I tried to hide my emotions and put on a strong face, I found my eyes swelling up with tears.  I did not want to cause a scene or have all the people around see me cry. I sat there and thought I wished I had Mike's courage; I wish I did not worry about others opinion of me. After a lot of coaxing, I agreed to Mike asking to see if someone could help us open the door. To my surprise the manager was happy to help. He even told me that I inspired him and he had been meaning to fix the door and thanked me. I lowered my head and said thank you. As I went into the store, I had one gentlemen hold the door for me. Again, I lowered my head, more embarrassed than anything, and thanked him too. In the back of my mind, I thought I was such a strong and independent woman before May 2, and now I cant even open a door for myself. I sat in the back corner of the store counting the seconds until I could go back to the Shepherd Center, my rehab, and quietly ate my ice cream. It has been a year since this happened; yet, I  remember it like it was yesterday. Looking back, I now know I began healing that day I faced my fears in the ice cream shop; I began to mend my pieces from kindness of faces I had never met. Indeed, it has taken some time until I learned to go out in public and hold my head high with a smile on my face, and not be embarrassed of how I am!   I have stopped counting the days as being "post injury"; I have stopped worrying about what people think when they see me in my chair, and I try to look at each day as simply a new journey in my life. However, I still have my moments when I miss my strong body I used to have. I still miss the crisp air passing by me during my morning jogs, and how strong my muscles in my legs were. Their are those days when I miss dancing with my daughters to our favorite song on the radio, or the cute jeans and high heals I wore, but I still am that fashion diva I was born to be..lol!  Indeed, I will never give up on my body completely healing and I will always believe. Spiritually, I have come to see that I have grown in my faith and my trust in the Lord. I have learned to forgive the kids who shot at me and my girls that stormy night. I felt in order for me to move on with my life, I needed to let go of the negative feelings and anger.... not to dwell on the past, but rather, live for the future. I knew in order to be there for my girls, I needed to be free of such feelings. Forgiveness allowed me to be that independent girl I once was, and I felt as if a ton of weight lifted off  me...I felt free once again. I have learned what is important in life, and I I feel blessed more now than I have ever been. I know one day I will be free of my chair and will feel the sand under my feet...until then, I will keep doing what I have been doing all along....living an awesome life. 

Our summer began with an opportunity of a life time. My family and I  were asked to be on a special show titled "mom's dream come true" on Live with Regis and Kelly. The show was to honor Mothers for Mothers day. It all began when Mike, my husband, wrote a letter to the show and it bloomed from there. I had no clue that a letter was written until one of the producers surprised me at my house. I was so surprised and honored to be asked. I wished I knew they were going to surprise me on camera so I could of prepared and looked my best lol...but that would not have been a surprise. Before I knew it, I found my family and myself on a plane destined to New York. As Mike carried me from my chair into the plane and to my new seat, for at least the next few hours, I was overwhelmed with emotions. I thought about my last plane ride which brought me back to where this journey began on May 2...where anxiety; yet, determination filled my entire body. I did not look forward to those next few days in the courtroom. Then, I thought to myself...this trip would be filled with happiness and new memories for me and my family's life. We were able to see central park and experience a lot New York had to offer. After checking into the hotel, our first stop was to experience my girls favorite....New York Pizza. For once, since I left rehab, I felt like I fit in like I did before I was shot. It was awesome! The next day was filled with shopping followed by taping the show on Regis and Kelly. The producer previously had asked Mike questions of some of my dreams. When I was surprised at my house I was told the show was giving us as a Disney Cruise for the family; Mike and I thought we were appearing on Regis and Kelly to tell our story and receive the cruise prize. We had no clue what the show had planned for us. As I sat in the famous "green room" I worried how I would look on camera...lol a girls usual worry. It was an emotional day and I was excited to share, with the world, my story in hopes that maybe I would help one person. That maybe my family's courage would show one person that life can be okay when a curve ball is thrown in the picture. We sat in the green room for most of the show and was not able to see the other mom's stories. Then it was our turn to go on stage; I heard Regis and Kelly talking about me and the girls and I wheeled out on stage with my family. I sat there and watched this beautiful piece that the producers put together and tried my best not to cry. It was an amazing experience and we are so blessed to be able to have the opportunity to visit such a wonderful place.

During the summer my girls were able to go to a gymnastics camp, balcony, where they had a blast and continue the go for gymnastics. My youngest, Destyni, is now 7 and in second grade and my oldest Kayla, is almost 11 and in 5th grade.They are wonderful girls whom have overcame so much in life. They truly are my heroes and angels; I thank God every day for allowing me to be their mom! Kayla is part of the safety patrol in school and wears her badge proudly...lol...it is cute.  Destyni still loves to be on my lap for free rides and is a top student in her class. They are doing good in school and have put the past behind them. Indeed, they are brave girls, and I am so proud of them! Mike, where do I begin. He has shown me to be brave and strong; yet, has been there for me, on one knee, during the times I needed a shoulder to cry on. I will never forget the times he was my personal hair dresser, during my stay in rehab, or during the times when he would pluck my eyebrows when my hands were to weak to hold the tweezers. He has comforted me during my hardest and most painful days; yet, pushed me to keep going on those days I was to weak to try. He has been there with me through it all. Mike is my hero and I adore and love him with all my heart.  I have come a ways, but still have much more to overcome....with time, determination, hard work, and patience I will succeed in my dreams. I give this credit all to my father...for he has always taught me that I can do anything I set my mind to. He taught me if I fall to get back up and try again and to overcome it. I am blessed to have such an amazing and strong family. I continue to gain strength and learn easier ways of getting things done. My pain has eased some; I have accepted my pain may never go away, but I have learned to tolerate it better. I still continue to gain new movements and slowly gain more muscle control. Recently, I have found that I gained more control over my lower back muscles and am able to move my hips. Having control of my hips enables me to roll over by myself. I now am able to readjust myself in my bed to avoid pressure sores!  My hands are stronger than ever and I am doing things I never thought I could do after I was shot. I am helping out a little more each day with Mike and cooking for our daughters and helping keep the house clean. In time my goals are to be that independant mom, wife, and gal I once was.  I am taking online classes and have a couple more years until I graduate. I still gleam from ear to ear during the times I accomplish the little things life has to offer. Our family bond has grown stronger than ever before, and nothing has stopped us from doing the things we have always done. This is something my family has taught me....and this is what I hope we can teach others. After I was shot, I was once told the best thing I could do for me and my family was to live life to the fullest; to not to let my paralysis control my life..... to keep fighting and teach my girls never to give up.....this is my story....this is my life....this is my families courage! I thank God every day for my blessings!  Thank you! I do have a myspace page if anyone would like to visit http://www.myspace.com/kepbelvn      good will always prevail..... JUST BELIEVE!

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